A Scribble and A Dream (63) - The Question, The Anxiety, and An Unseen Future

The Question, The Anxiety, and An Unseen Future

 August 23, 2020.

 The day she finally decided to told everything to the person she counted as part of her inner circle.

How she felt 4 years ago.

All the painful roller coaster of an immature, unrequited feeling.

Her decision back then to distance herself from him, to avoid lashing out at him hurtfully.

There's only one thing she kept to herself. That this talk was intended to be her last decision to finally let everything go, since she saw no other possible development for anything romantic between them.

She was expecting a rejection, and a polite "Wait", or "No" for an answer. To be precise, maybe that's what she was hoping, deep inside her heart. An end to something that was never there to begin with.

His answer was not as expected. He told her that after a very long observation on a few of the girls he had known, and a long consideration, he decided that she was still the first in his list of "the person he could live his life with".

"I was about to told you this sooner or later. But since you already told me this, let me ask you now. Do you want to try going out with me?"

She was surprised. As she noticed her heart pounding a bit faster, she tried to stay collected and calm. Her voice resounded. Maybe a second chance wouldn't hurt.

"Okay, let's try."

***

September 3, 2020. Today.

"Any daily communication with him since then?"

A well-meaning question from her groom-to-be little brother just a while ago.

To which the answer is... NO.

Apart for 2 longer phone calls on August 24 and 26, and some short text messages on September 2, discussing their plans for a casual meet up. The rest are just normal days without any contacts whatsoever.

That is already significantly more frequent compared to their usual text messages, in which they can spend a few weeks without any single personal related chats.

But, in all 3 instances, she was the one initiating the contact. An eerie replay of what happened 4 years ago.

It's as if there's a final wall between them, one that is hard to tear down. One which she is unsure on how to deal with. One which, she fears, would bring further problems down the road if not addressed accordingly.

A lack of communication. A confusing direction, unclear signs from him.

And an anxious, wavering heart inside her.

She suddenly feels a small regret in her heart for saying "yes" too quickly instead of asking him to prove himself first.

It's as if she is back on that misty forest 3 years ago.

But now, instead of fighting the fog frantically and desperately - trying to reach the fairy-tale-like lights at the end of the road - she stands still at the forest entrance, bewildered of where to start walking, feeling unsure of the unseen future.

She gazes up to the imaginary sky above, asking in her heart, "God, will it work, or will it not work? Will I hurt myself once more? Is this the path where I'll still be the one to call it quits after giving him a second chance? How can I know if this is already in Your time, or if it's not?"

Her long-time suppressed, forgotten melancholy rushes amidst the soft jazzy cafe soundtrack echoing in her bedroom.

She exhales deeply to control her tears, and resumes her work-from-home overtime.

It's something to be saved for the Sunday conversation with him, on the day when they will finally meet up for dinner.

Maybe she'll find hints of the answers then.

***