A Scribble and A Dream (37) - A Lady in Solitude

A Lady in Solitude

She glanced to the busy street in front of her.

The usual traffic on a Friday lunch time.

Horns honking, cars snailing and trailing.

Ah, the sun's scorching hot as well.

She walked quickly to her destination.

A simple, single lady in solitude.

Her silent demeanor hides her busy mind.

And she looked up to the sky.

Taking a melancholic, deep breath.

"This is bad, ain't it?"

"Could be not good for my career life..."

This solitude is comforting and addicting.

A place where she can truly be herself.

Where daydreaming won't be questionable.

Where singing and dancing aloud in her mind feels great.

Free from judging and being judged by others.

Free from hurting and being hurt by others.

Free to go anywhere according to her own will.

No need to submit to other's want and taste.

"Really, who's fault is this?"

She flashes a faint, nostalgic smile in her mind.

Remembering that someone who she can never call "special".

Appeared for a shortwhile, yet giving deep impact.

Changing her during the times when they met.

"Wish I can said this directly to his face."

"Wonder how he'll react, lol..."

And with that, she immersed herself quietly once more.

Amidst the busking, yet calm atmosphere in the mall.

For that is the only way for her to keep her sanity.

In a demanding world that can seems so loud at times.

It is, in essence, God's gift for her.

Her inner rich, peaceful, private world.

The perfect hiding place for her weary soul and mind.

***

A Scribble and A Dream (36) - Knocking on Your Door

Knocking On Your Door

Here I am

As if knocking on your door

Sitting here, waiting

For the day that'll never come

How are you? Are you fine?

Is life better for you?

Twelve days has passed since you left

And here I am, thinking of you

Of the days gone past

Of the day your door was shut

Of me standing and trying

Knock, knock, knock

Of you not opening

What was once open

Of you, once again closing

Of me waiting here alone

Was I mad?

Was I clingy?

Was I insane?

Was I out of my mind?

Was I giving you a hard time?

Oh, if so, I apologize

And I'll try my best

To hold back

All my sadness, I'll keep myself

Until I find myself

No longer knocking

Nor waiting

On your heart's door again

***

A Scribble and A Dream (35) - Who Will?

Who Will?

The young lady looked up to the sky
No, she can not see the world
As beautiful as how it was before
She has heard too much, and now she’s afraid

She trusted someone
Though that someone has refused to trust her
And at the end of it, she realized
That it was always a one-sided effort

Never reciprocated, always ignored

She tried reaching out to someone else
To the point she even shouted to herself,
“Stop chasing people!”
“Just off with it!”

But she was never in that person’s mind at all
And everytime she said,
“This is my friend.”
Deep down, she knew they aren’t.
They never treated each other as such.

And now, here she is.
Feeling so silently lonely.
Yet unable to show it to anybody.
Except to Him who resides over the sky.

“It’s not building anybody else,
And my tears are not for show,
Not even to my family.
For I’ll need to be strong and tough.”

But still, the melancholy hits back.
She looked back to the door of her heart.
Shall I close it then until the time comes for someone to open it?
But then, who will?

***

A Scribble and A Dream (34) - Bagimu, Yang Mungkin Tak Kan Pernah Tahu

Bagimu, Yang Mungkin Tak Kan Pernah Tahu

Ini monologku bagimu

Ya, kau, yang mungkin tak pernah tahu

Karena aku tak mau hatimu terganggu

Tidak, kita berdua benci bebani hati

Kau tahu?

Entah berapa banyak airmataku

Telah mengalir di dalam sunyinya sepi

Sejak hadirmu jadi rekan seperjuanganku

Saat aku tahu

Hatiku berharap padamu

Dan realita menyentak jiwaku

Perlahan kulepas tiap anganku tentangmu

Saat amarah menyergap kita berdua

Dan aku tahu sakit hatimu

Karena sakit pula hatiku

Di tengah salah pahammu dan aku

Saat ku tahu kau maafkanku

Ku yakin kau lihat usahaku
Dan kulihat indahnya balasan darimu

Dalam upaya saling memahami dan menghormati

Saat hatiku bertanya dalam diam tanpa daya

Kalau aku kerap menyapa pagimu

Ucapan kecil sepele yang tak kan berbalas

Namun, yah, itulah kamu, mau kukata apa lagi

Saat aku tahu kau akan pergi

Kembali ku terisak seorang diri

Karena ku harus kuat bagi yang lain dan bagimu

Meski hatiku tak setegar usaha canda tawa senyumku

Kau tahu?

Aku bertekad mau mengantarmu

Pergi melangkah sambut masa depanmu

Dengan senyum tulus dan doa yang sungguh

Yah, aku mungkin tahu
Betapa jiwamu mencintai kebebasan

Dan cukup diriku yang tahu
Kuingin saksikan kau terbang tinggi
Melayang megah di angkasa luas
Ya, hanya itu saja satu doa harapku

Dan aku tak tahu
Apa kita akan bersua lagi
Ya, aku pasti akan merindukanmu
Akankah aku sesekali singgah di memorimu?

Jadi, mohon maafkan aku
Biarkan aku menangis sedikit lagi

Seorang diri di tengah melankoli

Ya, untukmu, yang mungkin tak akan pernah tahu

***

A Scribble and A Dream (33) - He Leadeth Me

HE LEADETH ME

October 12, 2018.

A day after she got the final news.

Her colleague is really leaving.

Her very first equal comrade in this firm

who has helped her endure the storm of the last busy season.

She had been crying in solitude for 2 nights straight.

Having sleepless nights for the consecutive 3 days.

Out of grief due to a close colleague leaving,

and out of fear of the even crazier workload for the upcoming busy season.

Look, how is she going to cope?

And her currently unfit condition due to flu is not helping either.

Amidst all the plans that has been buzzing in her tired mind.

She suddenly remembers this one simple song.

"He leadeth me, by His own hand He leadeth me."

She walks slowly to the piano.

Her fingers start pressing the keys, her heart starts to sing along.

Then she feels the soft urge to start her morning devotion.

Her only prayer?

"God, please help me, and soothe my weary, grieving soul."

The first reading points to the parable of the seed sower.

In particular, the third type of seed.

Those who fell among thorns, and ended up choked.

One of the thorns were the cares and worries of the world.

She has been worried indeed.

Trying to take control over something that is actually out of her own ability.

Trying so hard to rely to something that is not God.

Trying to fix it with her own strength.

Then comes her second prayer.

"God, here I am, laying down all my worries to Thee.

Help me, for I am unable to help myself.

As Thou has wonderfully and faithfully led me through the past busy seasons,

please lead me again this time."

And to her amazement, her second reading is entitled:

Safe in the Arms of Jesus

And as she read on through the passage:

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
    He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
    he gently leads those that have young.

Her tears flows down once more.
Not out of sadness, but out of peace and comfort.
God has indeed lead her to a place of rest.
A promise needed for a weary heart.

She closes her Bible.
With all these promises, why should she ever fear?

Another day, another work.
A time for another calling.
She is now ready, for the Lord is with her.
Today, and for the days to come.

***

A Scribble and A Dream (32) - Silent Tears

TEARS

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2018.

The day I saw him went away "on a business" with a brown envelope and tidy office attire. Not with a suit, but it was tidy. Well, he was always tidy.

Then suddenly he changed our lunch break meet up point to a place we seldom chose to visit. Epicentrum Walk.

When we met, I saw the envelope is gone already. But I chose not to ask anything. We ate, and our conversation turned out to be quite heavy and gloomy.

Hearing him speak about his insecurities, financial troubles, and how his life doesn't turn out the way it is supposed to be. I tried to speak out, but it didn't pass through.

So I gathered all my thoughts in a long chat. But for most of our trip back to office, we kept silent, each occupied with our own mind.

At that time, I remember feeling as if he's going to go away soon. But I denied it, thinking that maybe, it would be next year, but not within the very near future.

***

Tuesday, October 9th, 2018.

We're having the afternoon break with another colleague, when I heard that he hasn't yet transferred the 3-months parking subscription fee he was so eager to get.

When our colleague asked, "Why?" He only shrugged his shoulder and replied, "No money."

This strikes my mind as odd. In fact, a few days prior he told he was going down for a while to transfer it.

But even then, I kept silent, only pondering it inside my head.

He had also asked for our boss' schedule during the last 2 days,  and when I asked the reason why, he only said softly, "I'll tell you later."

I've got a pretty unsettling feeling about this.

***

Wednesday, October 10th, 2018.

We finally got a rare chance to have a private afternoon break session.

I've almost lose sleep the night before, due to my flu, but also due to curiosity and anxiety over his last sentence the day before.

He went first to get a seat for us, then when I just arrived at our table, his first words were: "I'm resigning."

I only looked at him, a bit surprised on how correct my hunch was. Now all the events during the last week makes perfect sense, and my biggest fear became a reality.

We talked about it for a while, with me struggling hard to hold my tears. I don't want our other colleagues to find out, not before he told our boss about it. We finished our conversation and head back up, and I tried to act cheerful, as if nothing had happened.

Walking to the bus station in the evening, my tears started to flow. It continued during the bus trip, until I lie on my bed in the dark bedroom. It couldn't stop flowing. Maybe because I am pretty much used to observe him and try to care for him in the background, which in the end causes me think of him as my trusted teammate and a brother figure. And seeing him about to leave makes a piece of my heart broke. It's as if I'm a little kid being left by his older sibling.

It was only 10 months since he joined, but we've been through a lot. Stressed together, pulling an all nighter, fighting and having a month-long cold war with each other, reconciling, laughing, complaining on our reviewees, nervously preparing to be a trainer, you name it. And yet here we are, on another crossroad. 4 weeks left and we'll no longer be colleagues. Well, it depends on the result of his negotiation with our boss tomorrow, but it will need a miracle for him to stay. I sincerely prayed that he will somehow stay, but at least I prayed also that his resignation will be peaceful and amicable.

***

Thursday, October 11st, 2018. Today.

"Do you know of his resignation already?"

A chat from my boss popped up. 1.45 PM.

It is decided then. At least my second prayer is answered, and I can say I feel glad for him.

His last day is going to be on November 12nd, and he is going to resign on good terms.

Well, now I have to pray for his replacement, which is basically the same prayer point again as the one I prayed last year, around this time. The only difference is that God has prepared first for me to have the support of one of my best friend in college, which could make a huge difference compared to last time.

And I honestly think, this really is the best outcome. For him, and for all of us, perhaps.

I think I'll write something for him on his last day. But until then, I guess I have to continue my work. May the Lord give me the strength and focus that I need for now.

***

A Scribble and A Dream (31) - The Wedding Pianist

THE WEDDING PIANIST

She glanced to the message preview on her phone.
Another wedding.
Another request to serve as "the wedding pianist".
Her gaze moved back to the computer screen in front of her, her mind started to dance and wander around.

At times, it could look like as if she is a pro already.
She had lost count how many times she had accompanied smiling, young brides walked down the altar, each of them in white.

She looked up and stared at the ceiling.
Always the accompanist, never the accompanied.
Always the bride's pianist, never the bride herself.
Always tearing up listening the sacred vow, never said one herself.

She sighed, and stared blankly to the unseen distance.
"You've given up, don't you?"
Her mind starts its inner dialogue.
"Don't start hoping for anybody, ever again."

"Showing my presence? Yeah, I've tried."
"Speaking to a guy friend? Once or twice every month, perhaps. But I did it, while reminding myself not to hope for anything anymore."

Hopes came crashing down.
A heart, pierced repeatedly by its own owner.
And thus, a rule written and embedded deep.
Socialize as best as you can, but hope no more.

Her fingers clicks on a Spotify Playlist in front of her.
One more new, unfamiliar song chosen for the bride's entrance.
Repeated over and over, over and over again.

And thus, a wedding pianist, yet never the bride.
Over and over again.

*** 

A Scribble and A Dream (30) - Distance

Distance

The morning sun fills up the room.
The scenes of your early days crossed my mind.
And I can only wonder.
Do you feel the way I do, right now?

I don't know if one day I'll give up.
But I will regret it if I do it now.
I know we're really falling apart.
There I stand helplessly, seeing your wounded heart.

Cause we're only human.
And you bleed when you fall down.
Cause we're only human.
And we crash, and we break down.

My words in your head, my knive's in your heart.
I build you up, and then you fall apart.
It's because of me.
I know, it's because of me.

So I'll keep my distance.
Say I cared when you're not listening.

I couldn't stand so close to you.
Not anymore, it makes me hard to breath, too.
I want you to see, yet I don't know how.

I'll still give everything I have.
To save what is left, though shattered to pieces.
Until I know you'll understand.

And even if I fail, and all shall be in vain.
I only wished to see you smile again, someday.
Smile and laugh, be bright.
Though maybe not for me.

It's okay, though it's not for me.

I'll keep waiting.
And I'll keep my distance.
Say I cared when you're not listening.
If that's what you need.
To smile again.

***

Disclaimer: Some of the lines here are taken from Christina Perri's songs, "Distance" and "Human". She sang this possibly for someone who hurt her, or for her unrequited love. And this, is more like a reply should I be in the position of that someone she sang for. Well, I guess I am in that kind of position now.

I could only hope that the impossible will happen, that someday, I don't know somehow, that particular someone will see this, and know that this is what I wish for him, as a friend who have hurt him, and in turn, also got hurt myself in the aftermath. Even as the one at fault, I feel bitter inside my heart, seeing that, as of now, I can not tell him how much I want to mend things up.

So, just like what the lines said. I'll keep my distance, and I'll keep waiting. If one day I could see him smile again, that would be enough for me.

***

A Scribble and A Dream (29) - A Betrayer's Grief

A Betrayer's Grief

She sunk her head low on her work desk.

Her teammate had gone for his usual short break, and they had been on silent mode for 2 days straight.

She wasn't sure if that was what people call "cold war", but they did fight 2 days before on work matters, a fight without words, a typical fight between 2 introverts. But she approached him already, and that work issue should have been settled. No, their problem was even deeper than that, and it was a personal issue, to be honest.

She felt as if she wanted to cry, but her tears won't flow. Not in front of the others who knew how close she and her teammate was, only 2 months ago. And definitely not in front of him, her teammate, the one that she hurt, lest he thought she was a drama queen.

-------------

Her mind replayed all those that happened since that fateful Friday, around one week prior, scene by scene.

How that day, she gossiped about him, without her realizing it.

How she made her other colleague mad at him, because of his not-so-good remarks and opinions that she told her off.

How she realized, suprised that she had wronged him, with such an effect it seems like a betrayal.

How she decided to come clean the next day to him and apologize, because her conscience can not stay silent, it disturbed her mind so much she's unable to hide it.

How his face showed disbelief and frustration upon hearing its impact on his relationship with their colleague. All due to her reckless action, although she is his only teammate who was supposed to have his back and supported him.

How, since that day, he closed himself off from her, once more, just like when they first met.

How they fought then the next day with unspoken anger due to work miscommunication.

And how he said to her a few days later, when she tried to settle their last work issues, "From now on, our relationship will only be work related. No more personal relations. You've played with trust." His trembling voice was quiet, heavy, and sounded full of disappointment.

She understood. Perfectly. She was the one at fault from the very beginning. And she knew she deserved it. She left him quickly with a polite thank you, and went back to her work desk.

------------

Well, two days had passed since their last conversation, and it proved even harder each day she met him in the office. They were still giving each other the silent treatment, except for a few very short conversation on work matters. On her part, she was afraid to approach him, since she didn't want to make his working mood turn sour.

She was restraining herself so much, keeping her emotions in check while trying to maintain her professionality and working speed. By the time office time is over, she felt as if her whole energy had been drained out, not to mention the appetite she had lost these last few days.

She silently plead to God, "I don't know if I can shoulder this alone any longer. Please help me reconcile with this man, my neighbour. Or at least, help me bear this heavy yoke of guilt while waiting for both of us to heal our wounded hearts."

She lifted her head back up and stared blank for a few moment at the computer screen in front of her.

"I have to get back to work now..."

***

End note: This was the background story for the song I wrote in April 15, 2018 entitled "A Plea to God Above (Regret and Grief)". God has indeed heard my prayers, for He lead me to meet several friends in church to talk with, and that has made me release all the sorrows and sadness I bottled up.

Finally I can freely cry, and a melody (with some of its lyrics as well) come flowing in. God has truly eased the burden, this yoke I bear.

May He grant my other wish to one day be a proper friend with my one and only teammate, once again. Or, in case we'll never be friends again, I pray that at least, my teammate will understand from my actions, "We are not close anymore, but I'll still be here for you if you need it. You still have my back as your teammate, even though maybe I don't have yours."

That, I guess, is more than enough.

A Scribble and A Dream (28) - Sekuntum Bunga Tertidur

Ia sekuntum bunga

Hendak merekah

Namun tiada beraninya

Ia sekuntum bunga

Mungkin semerbak ia

Namun ringkih kelopaknya

7 musim lewat sudah

Menantikan kumbangnya tiba

Dan setiap ia mau merekah

Tergoreslah kelopak kecilnya

Ia tak mau lagi terluka

Tidak, itu mengerikan jiwanya

Ia sekuntum bunga

Yang kembali mengatupkan

Kuntum kecil merahnya

"Sudahlah, aku tak mau merekah lagi

Hingga tiba saatnya

Biar si kumbang saja

Yang membujukku tuk mekar kembali"

Ia sekuntum bunga

Yang mau jadi si putri tidur

Yang menunggu kesatrianya tiba

Mungkin  hingga 1000 tahun lagi

(Jakarta, 2 April 2018)

***

A Scribble and A Dream (27) - To You in The Far Future

TO YOU IN THE FAR FUTURE

Dear you
I don't know who you are
I don't even know if you exist
But, I do hope to see you

See, I don't know if you're around
Have we passed each other yet?
Silently, unknowingly?

Have our paths crossed somewhere?
Or is it yet to happen?

But, I prayed to God
That you will be someone

Who fears and loves God
More than anything in this world
Even more that you love me

Who is nurturing and gentle
Wise, and brave
Strict, yet kind

Who is willing
To fight together
For our uncertain future

And I pray to God
That you won't be an idol
But will direct me
To always look at God

Oh, dear you
Happy is the day
When we finally meet each other

And until then,
Dear you,
Keep growing and searching
For I'll be waiting patiently

Beneath the bright blue, sunny sky

***

A Scribble and A Dream (26) - Menanti Sendiri

MENANTI SENDIRI

Menanti
Dan menanti
Kini pun aku masih menanti
Namun aku tak mengerti
Sampai kapan ku kan menanti

Menanti
Dan menanti
Aku yang hampir selalu sendiri
Kecuali saat aku bekerja setiap hari
Itu pun, banyak kali aku sendiri

Dan selalu, di tengah keramaian
Dunia paradoks menghampiri tak henti
Karena aku masih memilih sendiri
Walau ragaku di sana dengan yang lain

Dan akhirnya, seringkali
Aku pilih jadi latar belakang sejati
Jadi pemeran figuran,
dan tak pernah jadi yang terutama

Mungkin itu sebabnya
Sampai sekarang aku masih selalu menanti

Dalam sendiri

***

A Scribble and A Dream (25) - Moving On, Once More

Moving On, Once More

And no, I'm not crying this time around.
More like, I'm relieved.
And it was a silent move on, as well.
Quietly, no drama involved.

As if God knew what was in my mind,
My Heavenly Father suddenly showed me, almost promptly.
It was the answer to the question that almost held me from moving on.

"My vape was taken by my friend," said my used-to-be-crush.
I was moving on from him already, and my heart has calmed down the past few days.
I already decided earlier this week that he is not my destiny.
But I'm pretty much still curious if he had any girlfriend, or is still single.

Then suddenly he corrected it, "Actually, not my friend, but my girlfriend."

That's all I need to hear from him.

That explains it.
All his indifferent behaviour.
Now, everything is cleared already.
And I truly thank God for that.

I praise God for changing my feelings from a crush to friendship.
From the unrequited, uneasy amore to the calm phileo.
Even before all this happened.

God has given me the final piece.
And my heart confirms its resolution, in silence.
I can now really be free from any lingering hope.
And the fantasy is fully shattered, deceiving no longer.

In silence and solitude, I looked up to Him.
"Lord, here I am. I'm still where I am, at the starting line."
"Here I am, waiting for someone to run together with me."
"It's not that I am running alone now, for You are surely with me."
"But Lord, if it pleases Thee, can You please let me continue in a group?"
"A group of three, with Thee and the man that Thee has prepared for me, if there is any."

And with that, I close this chapter, again, alone.

It's the 6th time I moved on.
And, I'm totally fine this time.

Once more, I glance at the man sitting on the sofa.
This time, as comrades, office colleagues fighting the same busy season.
As a sister looking up to her brother in the same profession.
No more, no less.

So liberating.

***

A Scribble and A Dream (24) - An Unspoken, Impossible Crush

An Unspoken, Impossible Crush

It's that feeling again.
The one that annoys her so much.
The feeling others might call "crush".
Happening in one of the worst place in the earth: the office.

She sighed deeply.
It is one sided, and she's sure of it.
They have many differing views, and she's sure of it.
They both hold strongly to their life principles and lifestyles, and she's kinda sure of it.

He is a new hire, still trying his best to catch up.
He is doing it professionally, and she appreciates it greatly.
Oh man...

Why does this "crush" has to come at such a disadvantageous place and time?

She played with her pen, and gazed to the empty chair in front of her.
This uneasiness she felt, this expectation she had to see him walking through that door.

This relief she felt when she saw him from the car, informing of his sick leave.
Only just a glimpse of his face, a short word he uttered.
Those are enough to enable her to work again.

And yet, she fully knows.
This crush, this impossible crush, if not well controlled.
This could spell disaster.

She can't afford losing him as a colleague.
Not with this heavy load in their department.
No, not ever.

'Really, should I acknowledge it daily to properly let it go every single time I feel it?'

She stared at her blog page, the only place where no one will see what she wrote.
Her safe place where only God knows what she wrote inside.
Her only medium to learn to let it go, over and over again.

'God, how many more times? How many more posts like this, until I finally meet my Boaz?'
She silently asked God.
And there it is, a warm peace slowly enveloping her heart.

'I don't want to be led by empty fantasies and idolatries, lest I forgot You, my God and my true love.'
'So please, lead me, God.'
'Lead me to the one I'll be spending my life with. I'm waiting here in submission.'

She quietly prayed while closing her blog page. Time to get back to work.

***

A Scribble and A Dream (23) - A New Encounter, A New Comrade

A New Encounter, A New Comrade

She glanced to her Thunderbird.

A notification. It was November 2, 2017.

Her boss had been searching for someone to be her co-worker, in the same branch with her.

Someone of equal experience and ability, if not better.

And now, a CV had arrived, a reference from one of her co-worker in a different branch.

She had received another candidate earlier, but it seemed her boss were undecided.

She scrolled through his profile, and printed it for her boss.

'Will this be the one?' she asked herself.

'This could be the last chance we had, with year end approaching fast...'

She herself had been asking her church friends to pray for it,
considering the double load she'll experience if she stayed solo in her branch.

*knock, knock*

"Excuse me, pak, I received this CV just now..."

***

It was end of November 2017.

After a few emails and discussions, her boss decided to call this man for an interview.

And to be honest, she was very curious.

"Somebody's looking for you."

Her administration manager called.

She jumped a bit, and prepared herself to meet her potential co-worker.

He looked quite mature, and intelligent.

Also, with his formal attire, he looks confident and high.

A bit cold and frightening, she thought.

She composed herself and greeted him, while waiting for her boss.

"Good morning, are you...?"

***

She glances to the lower right corner of her laptop.

March 13, 2018, 3.30 p.m.

Her gaze shifts to a man wearing a dark navy T-shirt, taking a power nap in front of her.

She reminisces a bit to his first month as a newcomer.

It did start quite awkwardly, with him seemingly acting so unsociable.

But after a few weeks, it seemed he started to feel comfortable in his new workplace.

Afterwards, it has been a fun and great experience in her department.

It is great to have someone standing on the same boat.

To have someone to turn to when you're in doubt to decide.

To have someone that can, indirectly, motivate you to do better, professionally.

To have someone to go through the tiring, busy season with a friendly chat and laughter in the middle of the night.

'An iron sharpens another iron, and a man sharpens one another.'

'Really, I couldn't imagine and hope for a better comrade, as of now.'

She can not agree more, and smiled quietly.

"Time to get back to work... The clock's ticking..."

***