A Scribble and A Dream (72) - A Hopeless, Incompetent, Weakling

A Hopeless, Incompetent, Weakling

At least, that's how I feel today

Feeling like wanting to beat myself up

Why don't you be more careful?

Why don't you look twice or three times? Be more thorough?

Look at all those differences and misses!

You should have known it!

Act your level! Why would a manager do mistakes like this?

Act as how a person with your job title does!

Why would an experienced personnel make mistakes like this?

No room for silly, careless mistakes, you hear me?

You're going to make our clients hate us!

You're going to make our relationship with our client sour up!

You're going to make our firm look bad for dishing bad reports!

Apologies are not helping, it's useless!

Be more perfect!

And in the back of my mind

I knew who is it that tells me so

And he's looking for me to fall down and crumble

But there are days

When you feel like you're such an idiot

And when that day comes

When you're faced with things not going your way

Not even you, your brain, or your spirit

It feels bad

It feels like my stomach is churned

It feels like I want to stay frozen

With fear

And I'm suddenly thinking of every single possibility

All the worst case scenario

That might unfold in the future

And I got myself asking

Why am I here

Where am I going

What do I really want to be

Is it just me and my overthinking again?

Am I a really bad performer?

An incompetent employee?

A weakling for getting stressed and down

Just from getting normal rebukes

When I'm really the one who makes those mistakes?

Am I a hopeless worker?

Then I write these things down
This venoms coming out of my heart, and my brain

I need to bounce back

I need to survive

And finish the things that is entrusted to me

I'll try my best

Not to screw up this badly again

And if the trust was not able

To be gained back

By the person who is going to be my future leader

Then maybe

I will move on

Should I act bold?

Should I act crazy?
Should I act as if I'm insane?

Maybe.

Maybe...

***

Today was the day I screwed up badly in doing my work as a QC in-charge for Segar Kumala Sari. I thought I've done everything well. Checking everything possible working paper, documenting every thing I did as a QC, trying to capture and document as many issues as possible that might need to be noted. And then, I got rebuked. For almost EVERYTHING I did. I feel like a stupid, hopeless, incompetent worker who is not worthy to be trusted. No rude words were given, none at all. But I feel like a complete failure. When I see the comments on the opinion that is supposed to be perfect, that I think I've reviewed to perfection... All the silliest mistakes are there, missed by my review. Wrong years, not update from 2022 to 2023. Wrong Standard name, "Standar Audit Keuangan" instead of "Standar Akuntansi Keuangan". Wrong judgements in suggesting unadjusted differences, wrong key audit matter wordings, representation letters that are different with the templates. To be honest, I approved some of the modification from the representation letters because... It was supposed to be the client's document, but now the responsibility of reviewing it is given to us QCs. And whatever I'm saying will now just look like a lame excuse, although some of the modifications that I approved, I actually have some rational behind it.

But the damage is done. I can feel the trust is dwindling down from the signing partner, SD. I'm really afraid, fearful of my future in this office. Should I resign with reasons like "trying to find myself again?" or "needing a breath of fresh air?" Am I just being emotionally unstable, a weakling, and a coward?

I just simply don't know. Let's get working again.

***