Walking Away, Going Forward
She had been anxious for quite a while.
For the whole 2 months, even.
Ever since her first ever team mate went his own separate ways, she had been anxious and restless. Looking back, the main problem is her own self. So private is she, so afraid is she of disturbing others, that she even find it hard to ask other people on technical work matters, and chose to keep her problems to her own limited thinking. Helping others, yet denying that she, too, is imperfect and needs help.
Until she got her first ever team mate, then she began to open up her problems to him. And then, relying on him on work discussions. She started to forgot other people that could also help her. Kinda close minded, isn't it? But that's how she is, something that she needed to work on.
After he resigned, she felt as if she's losing her stand. Add to that the fact that he is even more private and rational than her, and has also lost his trust to her due to her past mistakes. That guilty feeling that will forever haunt her feeble mind, making it swirling emotionally over and over, hardly controllable.
Until she decided to just ask what she had always wanted to ask him, fully understanding that she will never got the reply that she wanted. She has decided to give herself a closure, something that she has denied herself from having. Upon further inspection and self discovery, she realized the basic root cause: her own irrational fears, insecurity and unhealthy reliance on one person.
She then did the very thing she should have done since that day in November: deleting his contact info from her phone, but still saving it somewhere in her own private memo. That way, she won't see his profile again, even if she searched in her address book, but can still contact him if she ever needed to do so. That would be the best solution she could ever think of, for the sake of her own sanity.
After cutting that contact temporarily, she then started to remember people from her past experiences. It only took an open-minded thinking for her to recall that there are indeed some other people who will surely want to help her. And with that, her world looked as bright as ever again.
She looked up to the imaginary clear, blue sky in her inner mind.
"Good bye.
I'm finally taking my steps, walking away from you.
I know you have done that since 2 months ago.
I've failed to step forward, but not anymore.
I'm learning to brave new possibilities,
new connections that I can turn to for help.
I see old connections who have known me for a longer time.
They will surely help me find a solution to my doubts.
They are the ones who will help me as I journey forward.
I'll no longer wait on your door.
My path has awaited me.
May we meet each other again, if God ever permits.
But for now, adios."
Sayonara.
***
