A Scribble and A Dream (27) - To You in The Far Future

TO YOU IN THE FAR FUTURE

Dear you
I don't know who you are
I don't even know if you exist
But, I do hope to see you

See, I don't know if you're around
Have we passed each other yet?
Silently, unknowingly?

Have our paths crossed somewhere?
Or is it yet to happen?

But, I prayed to God
That you will be someone

Who fears and loves God
More than anything in this world
Even more that you love me

Who is nurturing and gentle
Wise, and brave
Strict, yet kind

Who is willing
To fight together
For our uncertain future

And I pray to God
That you won't be an idol
But will direct me
To always look at God

Oh, dear you
Happy is the day
When we finally meet each other

And until then,
Dear you,
Keep growing and searching
For I'll be waiting patiently

Beneath the bright blue, sunny sky

***

A Scribble and A Dream (26) - Menanti Sendiri

MENANTI SENDIRI

Menanti
Dan menanti
Kini pun aku masih menanti
Namun aku tak mengerti
Sampai kapan ku kan menanti

Menanti
Dan menanti
Aku yang hampir selalu sendiri
Kecuali saat aku bekerja setiap hari
Itu pun, banyak kali aku sendiri

Dan selalu, di tengah keramaian
Dunia paradoks menghampiri tak henti
Karena aku masih memilih sendiri
Walau ragaku di sana dengan yang lain

Dan akhirnya, seringkali
Aku pilih jadi latar belakang sejati
Jadi pemeran figuran,
dan tak pernah jadi yang terutama

Mungkin itu sebabnya
Sampai sekarang aku masih selalu menanti

Dalam sendiri

***

A Scribble and A Dream (25) - Moving On, Once More

Moving On, Once More

And no, I'm not crying this time around.
More like, I'm relieved.
And it was a silent move on, as well.
Quietly, no drama involved.

As if God knew what was in my mind,
My Heavenly Father suddenly showed me, almost promptly.
It was the answer to the question that almost held me from moving on.

"My vape was taken by my friend," said my used-to-be-crush.
I was moving on from him already, and my heart has calmed down the past few days.
I already decided earlier this week that he is not my destiny.
But I'm pretty much still curious if he had any girlfriend, or is still single.

Then suddenly he corrected it, "Actually, not my friend, but my girlfriend."

That's all I need to hear from him.

That explains it.
All his indifferent behaviour.
Now, everything is cleared already.
And I truly thank God for that.

I praise God for changing my feelings from a crush to friendship.
From the unrequited, uneasy amore to the calm phileo.
Even before all this happened.

God has given me the final piece.
And my heart confirms its resolution, in silence.
I can now really be free from any lingering hope.
And the fantasy is fully shattered, deceiving no longer.

In silence and solitude, I looked up to Him.
"Lord, here I am. I'm still where I am, at the starting line."
"Here I am, waiting for someone to run together with me."
"It's not that I am running alone now, for You are surely with me."
"But Lord, if it pleases Thee, can You please let me continue in a group?"
"A group of three, with Thee and the man that Thee has prepared for me, if there is any."

And with that, I close this chapter, again, alone.

It's the 6th time I moved on.
And, I'm totally fine this time.

Once more, I glance at the man sitting on the sofa.
This time, as comrades, office colleagues fighting the same busy season.
As a sister looking up to her brother in the same profession.
No more, no less.

So liberating.

***

A Scribble and A Dream (24) - An Unspoken, Impossible Crush

An Unspoken, Impossible Crush

It's that feeling again.
The one that annoys her so much.
The feeling others might call "crush".
Happening in one of the worst place in the earth: the office.

She sighed deeply.
It is one sided, and she's sure of it.
They have many differing views, and she's sure of it.
They both hold strongly to their life principles and lifestyles, and she's kinda sure of it.

He is a new hire, still trying his best to catch up.
He is doing it professionally, and she appreciates it greatly.
Oh man...

Why does this "crush" has to come at such a disadvantageous place and time?

She played with her pen, and gazed to the empty chair in front of her.
This uneasiness she felt, this expectation she had to see him walking through that door.

This relief she felt when she saw him from the car, informing of his sick leave.
Only just a glimpse of his face, a short word he uttered.
Those are enough to enable her to work again.

And yet, she fully knows.
This crush, this impossible crush, if not well controlled.
This could spell disaster.

She can't afford losing him as a colleague.
Not with this heavy load in their department.
No, not ever.

'Really, should I acknowledge it daily to properly let it go every single time I feel it?'

She stared at her blog page, the only place where no one will see what she wrote.
Her safe place where only God knows what she wrote inside.
Her only medium to learn to let it go, over and over again.

'God, how many more times? How many more posts like this, until I finally meet my Boaz?'
She silently asked God.
And there it is, a warm peace slowly enveloping her heart.

'I don't want to be led by empty fantasies and idolatries, lest I forgot You, my God and my true love.'
'So please, lead me, God.'
'Lead me to the one I'll be spending my life with. I'm waiting here in submission.'

She quietly prayed while closing her blog page. Time to get back to work.

***

A Scribble and A Dream (23) - A New Encounter, A New Comrade

A New Encounter, A New Comrade

She glanced to her Thunderbird.

A notification. It was November 2, 2017.

Her boss had been searching for someone to be her co-worker, in the same branch with her.

Someone of equal experience and ability, if not better.

And now, a CV had arrived, a reference from one of her co-worker in a different branch.

She had received another candidate earlier, but it seemed her boss were undecided.

She scrolled through his profile, and printed it for her boss.

'Will this be the one?' she asked herself.

'This could be the last chance we had, with year end approaching fast...'

She herself had been asking her church friends to pray for it,
considering the double load she'll experience if she stayed solo in her branch.

*knock, knock*

"Excuse me, pak, I received this CV just now..."

***

It was end of November 2017.

After a few emails and discussions, her boss decided to call this man for an interview.

And to be honest, she was very curious.

"Somebody's looking for you."

Her administration manager called.

She jumped a bit, and prepared herself to meet her potential co-worker.

He looked quite mature, and intelligent.

Also, with his formal attire, he looks confident and high.

A bit cold and frightening, she thought.

She composed herself and greeted him, while waiting for her boss.

"Good morning, are you...?"

***

She glances to the lower right corner of her laptop.

March 13, 2018, 3.30 p.m.

Her gaze shifts to a man wearing a dark navy T-shirt, taking a power nap in front of her.

She reminisces a bit to his first month as a newcomer.

It did start quite awkwardly, with him seemingly acting so unsociable.

But after a few weeks, it seemed he started to feel comfortable in his new workplace.

Afterwards, it has been a fun and great experience in her department.

It is great to have someone standing on the same boat.

To have someone to turn to when you're in doubt to decide.

To have someone that can, indirectly, motivate you to do better, professionally.

To have someone to go through the tiring, busy season with a friendly chat and laughter in the middle of the night.

'An iron sharpens another iron, and a man sharpens one another.'

'Really, I couldn't imagine and hope for a better comrade, as of now.'

She can not agree more, and smiled quietly.

"Time to get back to work... The clock's ticking..."

***