A Scribble and A Dream (50) - Rindu

RINDU

Kadang rinduku itu sederhana

Berdiri di tepi kali sambil menengadah

Menatap daun kecil kuning melenggok jatuh

Satu...

Satu...

Satu...

Kadang rinduku itu sederhana

Memandangi air terjun kecil di kolam ubin

Gemercik air penenang jiwa

Mengalir...

Mengalir...

Mengalir...

Iya, rinduku sederhana

Dengan harga yang tak terkira

Waktu.

Berlalu...

Berlalu...

(Jakarta, 20 November 2019, saat memandangi jendela Transjakarta)

A Scribble and A Dream (49) - Melankoli Dalam Gelap

MELANKOLI DALAM GELAP

Sepasang sejoli
Sepi dan melankoli
Berjua sekali lagi
Bercumbu dalam gelap sunyi

Hei kau!
Depresi saja ujarmu
Jengah kami dengar katamu
Riangkan saja hatimu
Buang saja keluh kesah itu

Biar saja aku di sini
Tenang terlena indah imaji
Saat sejuta kata tak cukup lagi
Jadi ringkasan isi sanubari

Sepasang mata menatap langit
Mencari bintang dan rembulan putih
Yang malam ini menolak menari
Dan memilih sembunyi

(Jakarta, 29 September 2019)

A Scribble and A Dream (48) - The Swing

THE SWING

For here we are,

standing tall amidst the quiet, beautiful sea.

Though we may be as lonely as it can be,

yet those moments we witness

are forever carved within our branches.

And when our time has come to wither

and be here no more.

The memories of thy laughter and joy

will be the last thing that fills our sight.

(Salah satu pantai di Belitung, 24 September 2019)

A Scribble and A Dream (47) - Impian dan Jejak Ragu

IMPIAN DAN JEJAK RAGU

Mimpi dan angan.
Utopia di seberang lautan
Bak mentari terbit dari selimut cakrawala

Itu ada kapal, kecil sederhana dari kayu
"Aku dipanggil angin lembut mendayu"
Itu katanya

Apa kabar langit?
Apa kabar arah angin?
Apa kabar ombak?
Apa kabar luas samudera?

"Aku tak tahu"
Katanya tertunduk lesu

"Aku cuma tahu satu,
Aku ingin menjadi saksi
Utopia sungguh akan terjadi."

"Hei, tapi kaulah nahkoda.
Layarku diarahkan kemudimu."

"Akan naikkah engkau?"

Sepasang mata memandang jauh ke angkasa.
Sepasang kaki masih menolak beranjak.
Dan akal memilih terus berkelana
Kadang itu lebih mudah daripada berkata "ya".

Sambil si waktu terus berjalan.

(9 Agustus 2019)

***

A Scribble and A Dream (46) - Hello, Me...

HELLO, ME...

Hello, me.

Kamusta ka na?

Are you well, are you fine?

Has life been good and kind to you?

Hello, me.

Kamusta ka na?

Here I am, seeing you.

Down, down your deepest trenches.

Since I am you, and you are me.

Hello, me.

Have you find joy, walking on your own?

"I can survive," thus you said.

"They can, so I can, and will."

Go round, and round, and round.

In this whole wide, noisy, lonely world.

Beauty entices ever so quietly, lo and behold.

Searching for things you immediately reject.

Oh, the silent château amidst the city centre.

Put the banners outside, and show your merry self.

But no one shall ever enter your gates.

Non, non, non. Not a single one.

Hello, me.

Kamusta ka na?

How far is your journey now?

Are you happy, are you well?

Hello, me.

Look at me in the eyes.

For I'm the only one who know you.

I am you, and you are me.

Kamusta ka na?

***

A Scribble and A Dream (45) - Monolog si Tukang Tanya

MONOLOG SI TUKANG TANYA

Jari jemari terentang
Gelora batin terus meronta
Dan akal masih giat berkelana
Di tengah tanya keras kepala

Siapa kau tanya?
Dia yang menjawab tanpa suara
Apa kau tanya?
Jalan ini, masih tepatkah?

Hei kau, sudah berhenti saja
Tak perlu sok melara pakai toa
Cukup kau dan Dia semata

Tak usah kau tanya terus semua

Menanti di dalam diam
Berserah di tengah kusut kelam

Jalan yang sekarang ini masih satu
Akankah bercabang atau terus begitu?
Hei, itu bukan urusanmu, tahu

Memangnya pintu punyamu?

Kau itu cuma perlu tahu
Siap rela untuk memaksa
Siap memaksa untuk rela
Entah jawab apa di depan sana

Itu baru manusia
Berdiri di depan Tuhannya

(6 Agustus 2019)

***

A Scribble and A Dream (44) - Gelut Nyata dan Angan

GELUT NYATA DAN ANGAN

Ini Nyata. Dan itu Angan.
Si Nyata dan si Angan.
Berdiri di tengah arena.
Iya, di Gelanggang Pikiran.

Entah berapa kali sudah bergulat.
Serumah tapi tak pernah sepakat.

Tiap kali si Nyata selalu menang.
Dibantu Tuan Logika dan kitab Pengalaman.

Tapi si Angan keras kepala, selalu kembali.
Menolak kalah, menantang nyaring.

Siapa patronnya?
Nyonya Rasa?
Nona Harapan?
Atau Tuan Petualang?

Si Nyata, pencinta aman dan kepastian.
Si Angan, pemimpi sejati tak suka stagnansi.
Dalam ronde-ronde tanpa akhir.
Gulat abadi demi dominasi dan kendali.


(29 Mei 2019)

A Scribble and A Dream (43) - Melancholia Formicidae

MELANCHOLIA FORMICIDAE

Hei, kau tahu?
Aku sudah melihat, berkali-kali.
Orang datang dan pergi.

Iya, sama seperti hari itu.
Saat aku cuma bisa memandangi
Si roda empat yang terus menjauh.
Kau tahu, itu rasanya perih sekali.
Tak tahan rasanya.

Sakit, sakit sekali.
Aku mencegah tangis di tengah nyeri.
Kepalaku tertunduk lesu.

Sial, ini semut merah banyak sekali.
Sepertinya aku salah posisi berdiri.

#ohlala

(26 Mei 2019)

Letters to God (1) - Fear and Anxiety

Dear God,

Just yesterday, I heard a sermon about anxiety.
It came from Phillipians 4: 5b-7.

It says there that to keep myself from being anxious, I need to do two things.
Pray.
And give thanksgiving.

God, you can see me, right?
As quickly as I hear the sermon, the temptations from your enemy came.
But maybe, You also let me experience this, as a test that will help me learn to apply what I've heard into my real life.

I actually start the day, not in a very refreshing way.
All the main roads I need to pass to reach Cyber 2 was totally blocked.
A combination of traffic, hot weather, non-working aircon and anxieties from my brother and my dad is not exactly something to keep my mood up for the day.

To top it off, I got the usual routine in the office.
You know, where all plans had to be readjusted, simply because some interruptions keep coming, over and over.
Emails, phone calls, people visiting my desk physically.
The lurking fear of being demanded for deadlines and direct answers.

Lord, it is really overwhelming.
I'm pretty much annoyed, hoping that somehow people will just leave me alone.
I fear them. I'm anxious every time I see a message, a phone call, or somebody coming my way.

All these weird things came to my mind.
About my whole career.
About my future days.
About my longterm plans.
About how they keep demanding my life, as if I'm not allowed to have any other kinds of life, outside work and deadlines.
About how I keep deceiving them over and over, knowing that I'm not keeping myself up to their expectations.

But really, Your grace and mercy is great, and You are indeed faithful.
Just as I am about to be crippled, paralyzed and unable to work due to these feelings.
Flashes of the sermon pass through my mind.

"Remember the way, the only way, to cure and break free from anxiety?"

Just as a Father reminding His daughter, in a soft yet direct manner.

And so, Lord, I'm here.

With all my anxieties today.
With all the list of works and piling emails and reports that I need to finish today.

Lord, I trust you can help me get through this.
Please keep my sight on the goal, and let me see myself crossing these pending items one by one.

And grant me the wisdom and calm I need to finish them all in time.

I believe in You, and in Your work in my life.

Thank you, Lord.
In the name of the Lord, Jesus, I pray.

Amen.

May 27, 2019.

A Scribble and A Dream (42) - A Prayer Amidst the Storm

A PRAYER AMIDST THE STORM

She walked unnoticed to the empty emergency staircase.

Her nearest safe haven, where no one will see and judge her.

Her heart overwhelmed, all of a sudden.

With sadness, loneliness, and fear.

'Merciless, all of them.'

She knew already, but never expected it to this extent.

It's just professionally normal, actually, but still...

She had hoped for some relieve, but she found none.

Not until this day, when all her plans are foiled by her colleagues.

No crying allowed, she told herself. Not in public's face.
Not in front of her colleagues, those gossippers.
Those who surely would not tolerate any display of weakness.
Afterall, she's not a pity-seeker. Far from it!

'Tears are for victims, for crybabies.'

'But I'm afraid and lonely, Lord...'

She sighed ever so deeply and heavily.

Here, in this empty staircase.

Her teardrops started falling, ever so silently.

Dear Lord, hear me out.

My tears, my cry for help.

As you have been in the days past,

Please lend me thy strength.

For without it, I'm helpless.

Grant me the wisdom, the resilience.

Grant me the peace of heart, and sharpness of mind.

Hold my hand, and guide me through this.

The biggest storm ever in my professional life.

In none other do I entrust myself,

Not even those I called my closest teammates.

Only in you, who know my weakness, day in and day out.

In you, and you alone, I place my trust.

O dear Lord, please hear me.

Please hear me, and help me, I pray.

She looked up into the empty staircase.

Her hand reached for the door handle, once more.

Back into the battlefield.

A Scribble and A Dream (41) - Complicated

COMPLICATED

A word she never thought would ever be applicable in her life.

Hanya dengan sekali saja mendengar namanya disebut.

Dan entah kenapa selalu muncul beberapa hari ini.

Seakan semesta tak mengijinkan otaknya untuk melupakan dia dan berhenti memikirkannya.

Bahkan di saat ia sudah mencoba untuk mengalihkan pikirannya.

Sibukkan diri ke kiri dan ke kanan.

Tertawa ke kiri dan ke kanan.

Tetap hatinya mendadak sesak setiap nama tersebut muncul.

Is it love and hate?

No, she doesn't think so.

Even if it is, she refused to think like so.

Because it's not building anybody.

Ia sudah berjanji pada dirinya sendiri.

I'll just leave him alone.

I'm no longer a trustworthy person for him, am I?

So I'll try not to intrude. I don't want to face rejection twice.

I'm a mere consulting place for him.

Someone only work related.

And that's the most I can hope for.

It's enough, and I won't ask for any reciprocation.

That's reasonable, right?

Dipandangnya hatinya yang meneteskan setitik air mata.

Dipeluknya sang rasa yang sekarang tengah sesak.

"Ingatlah dia dengan segala baik buruknya, dan maju sajalah."

***

A Scribble and A Dream (40) - Drifting Away

Drift Away

Skyscrapers high and mighty

Standing amidst the evening grey sky

Chatters all around ever so softly

Peace amidst the hustles and bustles of the city

Oh, let us fly!

Fly, drift away through this shy rainy bliss

To that green small little hill

Which beauty stays peacefully still

See, see, Painter!

It's your solitude, go and be free!

Splash around with bright vivid colors!

Rejoice, and see your rich mind explode in all its splendor!

Then close it, hide it ever so slowly.

Sealed in a big boulder, your trove of precious treasure.

A safe haven for your tired soul.

A place of rest only we would know.

Source of picture: Son Doong Cave in Vietnam (https://www.news.com.au/travel/travel-ideas/adventure/the-amazing-caves-youve-probably-missed-your-chance-to-see/news-story/ec9f1efb79a7a82a5b15421349f015b9)

***

A Scribble and A Dream (39) - Walking Away, Going Forward

Walking Away, Going Forward

She had been anxious for quite a while.

For the whole 2 months, even.

Ever since her first ever team mate went his own separate ways, she had been anxious and restless. Looking back, the main problem is her own self. So private is she, so afraid is she of disturbing others, that she even find it hard to ask other people on technical work matters, and chose to keep her problems to her own limited thinking. Helping others, yet denying that she, too, is imperfect and needs help.

Until she got her first ever team mate, then she began to open up her problems to him. And then, relying on him on work discussions. She started to forgot other people that could also help her. Kinda close minded, isn't it? But that's how she is, something that she needed to work on.

After he resigned, she felt as if she's losing her stand. Add to that the fact that he is even more private and rational than her, and has also lost his trust to her due to her past mistakes. That guilty feeling that will forever haunt her feeble mind, making it swirling emotionally over and over, hardly controllable.

Until she decided to just ask what she had always wanted to ask him, fully understanding that she will never got the reply that she wanted. She has decided to give herself a closure, something that she has denied herself from having. Upon further inspection and self discovery, she realized the basic root cause: her own irrational fears, insecurity and unhealthy reliance on one person.

She then did the very thing she should have done since that day in November: deleting his contact info from her phone, but still saving it somewhere in her own private memo. That way, she won't see his profile again, even if she searched in her address book, but can still contact him if she ever needed to do so. That would be the best solution she could ever think of, for the sake of her own sanity.

After cutting that contact temporarily, she then started to remember people from her past experiences. It only took an open-minded thinking for her to recall that there are indeed some other people who will surely want to help her. And with that, her world looked as bright as ever again.

She looked up to the imaginary clear, blue sky in her inner mind.

"Good bye.
I'm finally taking my steps, walking away from you.
I know you have done that since 2 months ago.
I've failed to step forward, but not anymore.

I'm learning to brave new possibilities,
new connections that I can turn to for help.
I see old connections who have known me for a longer time.
They will surely help me find a solution to my doubts.
They are the ones who will help me as I journey forward.

I'll no longer wait on your door.
My path has awaited me.
May we meet each other again, if God ever permits.
But for now, adios."

Sayonara.

***

A Scribble and A Dream (38) - How Are You?

How Are You?

How are you?
Are you fine?
Are you well and smiling day after day?

How are you?
I'm wondering day by day.
Missing you though I'm not supposed to.

For sometimes
When I feel a bit overwhelmed
I'll think of you
And say to myself
"What if he's here?"

My hands reached out
Searching for your name
Looking at your face
And those fingers stopped and freezed.
Over and over.

Over and over.

May someday, somehow
We can meet again
And may each of us say
"Life is good"
Tho' the sun may not shine
Every single day

May someday, somehow
We can meet again
So I can see you smiling wide
And that is enough for me.

Yeah, that will be enough for me.

***