A Scribble and A Dream (30) - Distance

Distance

The morning sun fills up the room.
The scenes of your early days crossed my mind.
And I can only wonder.
Do you feel the way I do, right now?

I don't know if one day I'll give up.
But I will regret it if I do it now.
I know we're really falling apart.
There I stand helplessly, seeing your wounded heart.

Cause we're only human.
And you bleed when you fall down.
Cause we're only human.
And we crash, and we break down.

My words in your head, my knive's in your heart.
I build you up, and then you fall apart.
It's because of me.
I know, it's because of me.

So I'll keep my distance.
Say I cared when you're not listening.

I couldn't stand so close to you.
Not anymore, it makes me hard to breath, too.
I want you to see, yet I don't know how.

I'll still give everything I have.
To save what is left, though shattered to pieces.
Until I know you'll understand.

And even if I fail, and all shall be in vain.
I only wished to see you smile again, someday.
Smile and laugh, be bright.
Though maybe not for me.

It's okay, though it's not for me.

I'll keep waiting.
And I'll keep my distance.
Say I cared when you're not listening.
If that's what you need.
To smile again.

***

Disclaimer: Some of the lines here are taken from Christina Perri's songs, "Distance" and "Human". She sang this possibly for someone who hurt her, or for her unrequited love. And this, is more like a reply should I be in the position of that someone she sang for. Well, I guess I am in that kind of position now.

I could only hope that the impossible will happen, that someday, I don't know somehow, that particular someone will see this, and know that this is what I wish for him, as a friend who have hurt him, and in turn, also got hurt myself in the aftermath. Even as the one at fault, I feel bitter inside my heart, seeing that, as of now, I can not tell him how much I want to mend things up.

So, just like what the lines said. I'll keep my distance, and I'll keep waiting. If one day I could see him smile again, that would be enough for me.

***

A Scribble and A Dream (29) - A Betrayer's Grief

A Betrayer's Grief

She sunk her head low on her work desk.

Her teammate had gone for his usual short break, and they had been on silent mode for 2 days straight.

She wasn't sure if that was what people call "cold war", but they did fight 2 days before on work matters, a fight without words, a typical fight between 2 introverts. But she approached him already, and that work issue should have been settled. No, their problem was even deeper than that, and it was a personal issue, to be honest.

She felt as if she wanted to cry, but her tears won't flow. Not in front of the others who knew how close she and her teammate was, only 2 months ago. And definitely not in front of him, her teammate, the one that she hurt, lest he thought she was a drama queen.

-------------

Her mind replayed all those that happened since that fateful Friday, around one week prior, scene by scene.

How that day, she gossiped about him, without her realizing it.

How she made her other colleague mad at him, because of his not-so-good remarks and opinions that she told her off.

How she realized, suprised that she had wronged him, with such an effect it seems like a betrayal.

How she decided to come clean the next day to him and apologize, because her conscience can not stay silent, it disturbed her mind so much she's unable to hide it.

How his face showed disbelief and frustration upon hearing its impact on his relationship with their colleague. All due to her reckless action, although she is his only teammate who was supposed to have his back and supported him.

How, since that day, he closed himself off from her, once more, just like when they first met.

How they fought then the next day with unspoken anger due to work miscommunication.

And how he said to her a few days later, when she tried to settle their last work issues, "From now on, our relationship will only be work related. No more personal relations. You've played with trust." His trembling voice was quiet, heavy, and sounded full of disappointment.

She understood. Perfectly. She was the one at fault from the very beginning. And she knew she deserved it. She left him quickly with a polite thank you, and went back to her work desk.

------------

Well, two days had passed since their last conversation, and it proved even harder each day she met him in the office. They were still giving each other the silent treatment, except for a few very short conversation on work matters. On her part, she was afraid to approach him, since she didn't want to make his working mood turn sour.

She was restraining herself so much, keeping her emotions in check while trying to maintain her professionality and working speed. By the time office time is over, she felt as if her whole energy had been drained out, not to mention the appetite she had lost these last few days.

She silently plead to God, "I don't know if I can shoulder this alone any longer. Please help me reconcile with this man, my neighbour. Or at least, help me bear this heavy yoke of guilt while waiting for both of us to heal our wounded hearts."

She lifted her head back up and stared blank for a few moment at the computer screen in front of her.

"I have to get back to work now..."

***

End note: This was the background story for the song I wrote in April 15, 2018 entitled "A Plea to God Above (Regret and Grief)". God has indeed heard my prayers, for He lead me to meet several friends in church to talk with, and that has made me release all the sorrows and sadness I bottled up.

Finally I can freely cry, and a melody (with some of its lyrics as well) come flowing in. God has truly eased the burden, this yoke I bear.

May He grant my other wish to one day be a proper friend with my one and only teammate, once again. Or, in case we'll never be friends again, I pray that at least, my teammate will understand from my actions, "We are not close anymore, but I'll still be here for you if you need it. You still have my back as your teammate, even though maybe I don't have yours."

That, I guess, is more than enough.

A Scribble and A Dream (28) - Sekuntum Bunga Tertidur

Ia sekuntum bunga

Hendak merekah

Namun tiada beraninya

Ia sekuntum bunga

Mungkin semerbak ia

Namun ringkih kelopaknya

7 musim lewat sudah

Menantikan kumbangnya tiba

Dan setiap ia mau merekah

Tergoreslah kelopak kecilnya

Ia tak mau lagi terluka

Tidak, itu mengerikan jiwanya

Ia sekuntum bunga

Yang kembali mengatupkan

Kuntum kecil merahnya

"Sudahlah, aku tak mau merekah lagi

Hingga tiba saatnya

Biar si kumbang saja

Yang membujukku tuk mekar kembali"

Ia sekuntum bunga

Yang mau jadi si putri tidur

Yang menunggu kesatrianya tiba

Mungkin  hingga 1000 tahun lagi

(Jakarta, 2 April 2018)

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